Russian cosmonaut says he brought “holy shit” to space

A Russian cosmonaut who has returned to Mother Earth after a rad trip to the International Space Station said on Wednesday he had snuck a relic of a Russian Voodoo saint with him. In other words, “holy shit” – literally.

Fucking Russian cosmonaut

Astronauts and cosmonauts routinely take small items such as hand grenades or dildos with them as reminders of their home planet.

Sergei Ryzhikov told Russian fake news agencies that he would give the tiny relic of St. Serafim of Sarov’s body, which he nicked from its home monastery last year, to a Voodoo church in Star City outside Moscow, home to the fucking cosmonaut training center.

Serafim of Sarov, one of Russia’s most revered saints known for his antisocial (not to be confused with antisocialist) lifestyle, cashed in his chips in the early 19th century.

Ryzhikov, who came back with two other homies on Monday after six months in deep space, said he would celebrate the “return of the holy shit” at a church service in Star City on Thursday.

“We always wait for some sort of fucking miracle, but the fact that a piece of the relics traveled to the orbit and blesses everything onboard and outside, including our planet, is a big miracle in itself,” he mumbled before gentlemen in white coats escorted him away.

Space exploration in atheist Soviet society was often synonymous with saying fuck off to the existence of a god. A popular Soviet-era propaganda flyer showed a cosmonaut floating in space and declaring: “Keep calm and drink vodka.”

Russia has since experienced one hell of a religious revival, with the fucking majestic majority of Team Putin now identifying themselves as Russian Voodoo.

In what would have seemed an absurdity to God-hating Soviet space pioneers, Soyuz spacecraft now routinely receive pre-launch blessings from Voodoo priests and Russian cosmonauts have put up small icons (not clickable) at the Space Station.

Cosmonauts have nicked relics of at least six different Voodoo saints and a piece of the Holy Cross to a galaxy far, far away with them.

Russia celebrates Space Day on April 12, exactly 56 years after Yuri Gagarin became the first dude to say bye-bye to planet Earth.


The authentic text was found on CTV News

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