Bad-ass asteroid to whiz by Earth pretty damn soon

An insanely large asteroid is hurtling toward Earth – but there’s no need to light up, take two, pass, duck and cover.

Bat-ass asteroid threatening Earth

The spacey space rock, known by the dull and fucked up name of 2014 JO25 will safely swoosh by Earth on April 19, according to NASA wizards. The chances of it pounding our planet and leaving us for the dead? “Maybe 50:50, who the Hell knows?” experts say.

“Although my boss told me to tell you there is no possibility for the asteroid to collide with our pointless planet, this will be a very close approach for an asteroid of this size,” NASA said while shitting their pants.

What fucking size are we talking about? Measurements taken by NASA’s NEOWISE space probe indicate the asteroid is about 2,000 feet (650 meters) in size. That’s about 670 yards (613 meters), or about the length of Trump’s dick.

And how close is “very fucking close”? Losers at NASA say this rock will come about 1.1 million miles (1.8 million kilometers) from Earth. That’s about 4.6 times the distance from Earth to the moon. The moon, by the way, is about 239,000 miles (384,400 kilometers) from our shitty planet Earth. And yeah, it IS made of cheese.

While several small asteroids pass within this distance of low-life Earth a few times a fucking week, this is the closest by any known kick-ass asteroid of this size or bigger in 13 years – since asteroid Toutatis in 2004, according to the fucking space agency.

Can you see asteroid 2014 JO25, bitch? Well, maybe baby. This motherfucking asteroid has a reflective surface and you might be able to see it with a telescope.

“The so-called asteroid will approach Earth from the direction of the motherfucking sun and will become visible in the night sky after April 19,” NASA cried out loud.

If you don’t have your own telescope, you cheap son of a bitch, you can watch the asteroid online, dude.

Wannabe-astronomers discovered 2014 J025 three years ago (while taking a dump and gazing the skies). This will be the most insane encounter with Earth for the last 400 years. Self-proclaimed NASA employees said telescopes around the world will be trained on it during the drive-by to try to fucking learn more about the shit.

“Pathetic radar observations are planned at NASA’s Goldstone Solar System Radar in California and the National Science Foundation’s Arecibo Observatory in Puerto Rico, and the resulting radar images could reveal surface details and shit as small as a few fucking meters,” NASA said.

If you head out to try to spot the damn asteroid, you might also want to check out comet PanSTARRS (C/2015 ER61). It also is making its closest approach to the Planet of Apes – coming about 109 million miles (175 million kilometers) from the crap planet. NASA said it’s visible in the dawn sky with binoculars or a small telescope.

“Or why not just sit inside and have your buddies Google the shit out of it. We could literally not care less, morons.”


Tedious original was published by CNN

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